- Do not fret.
It happens to the best of us.
While feelings of shame and apprehension are to be expected in these cases, it is important to remember that the appearance of an Egg is a fact of life.
There have been cases of people who found their Egg just as they came back home, or sitting on their bed, or on their balcony. For some, the Egg will be found in a convenient place, such as the middle of the floor, or in the garden (though this makes it significantly more difficult to hide from the neighbors).
For others, the Egg will appear in a much worse spot, such as the rooftop, or a chimney. There have been cases of the Egg appearing during a ceremony or a meeting, and those are of course the most embarrassing.
Do not panic.
- What to do
When you first discover the Egg, it is important not to cover it.
This is the biggest mistake, and one you will soon find the consequences of. Please remember safety training and leave the Egg as exposed as it is. It may come as an inconvenience to explain its sudden appearance, but most people will be understanding and perhaps even welcome the change.
In case you receive contentious feedback from friends or loved ones, please remember not to cover the Egg under any circumstance.
Again, please remember your safety training.
After you make sure you followed this first important step, please make sure to call one of the emergency numbers, explaining your situation calmly and using a steady voice.
A squad of experts will reach your location to help you deal with the Egg.
- How to live with it
There are people who try to get rid of their Egg.
Those are the worst people. They are the kind of people you do not invite over for Christmas. Luckily, we have devised better ways to deal with one’s Egg, together with a list of best practices to take care of its wellbeing.
The Egg will stay with you until its time it’s due. You are not allowed to know when or why, so please be focused and keep taking care of your Egg until then.
Sometimes, the Egg will ask to be picked up.
You will understand this. The Egg is always very clear about what it wants. When you first detect this distress signal from the Egg, please do everything you need to pick it up and carry it around.
If you took good care of your Egg and you did not cover it up, its size and weight will be manageable. Check for black spots or marks on the Egg’s surface, just to make sure.
Carry your Egg around, show it off to people, make new friends!
- Why is my Egg like that?
Everyone’s Egg is a bit different. Changes in hue, shape or thickness are to be expected. If you notice any shift in markings over the Egg’s surface, contact an expert.
In particular, if you see the marks starting to resemble a face, you should ███ ███ ████.
Do not try to ██████. People who do that are never very happy for long. And you have been to safety training, so you should know very well about all this.
We believe in you. Please remember this. An Egg is a normal event in a healthy person’s life.
Most importantly, do no try to talk to the Egg under this circumstance. Please contact and expert and have them deal with your Egg.
You just have to lay back, relax, and wait for the experts to fix the matter.
- My Egg is now gone
Congratulations! When the Egg finally breaks, it is time to Why is my Egg like that? Why is my Egg like that? Why is my Egg like that? Why is my Egg like that? Why is my Egg like that? Why is my Egg like that?
- My Egg is now gone
Congratulations! This of course can never happen. Remember that lying is not conductive to a happy and fulfilling life. Remember to take care of your Egg.
- I am throwing my Egg a party
That is the best idea! Invite friends and family, just make sure to let the Egg breathe and have its fun as well. This practice is perfectly fine and mostly harmless, most of the times. In case of doubt, or if you think your behavior may upset your Egg, remember to call our team of experts. They will be able to help you and provide you with a good solution.
- My Egg is having a negative effect on my mental health
This is to be expected as well. Every new challenge in life comes with hardship, and the Egg is no exception. Why should it? Maybe you should think twice about what you are saying. You do know the Egg listens to all your thoughts and weighs them heavily on its scale.
Perhaps the problem was never the Egg, have you thought about it? Perhaps the problem has always been you.
You should think about it, next time you allow yourself to have such intrusive and obviously ████ thoughts.
If you feel upset about the Egg’s presence, perhaps you should take a vacation, or go to one of our health and safety centers. Bring your Egg with you.
And if you can’t bring your Egg with you, because you can’t pick it up anymore, it’s because you ███ ██ ██ ███, you stupid fucker, that’s the first thing we ever told you, are you even able to follow a simple set of instructions, you absolute retard? You are a waste of oxygen and you should just consider killing yourself by ███.
- I love my Egg!
That’s the spirit! We are most pleased to find out you are dealing with you Egg like a well-adjusted person.
Please remember to let it have its fun as well and always remember to take care of your Egg, no matter what form it takes. You are going to have a long and productive relationship with it, then!
Enjoy your time with your Egg and remember: there is no █████ in any of this!
Author’s Notes: 🥚